2.24.10

Excuse me for being all over the place tonight...but it's Feb 24...Today is the day before my dad's birthday. Feb 24 has been a big day every year now for 3 years. Last year was exciting! Two people close to me committed their life to Christ. The seed had been planted the year before when I moved to Oklahoma...then later moved in with Lisa and her son (who became my weekend little brother when he was there!) So, Chris, one of my high school students, in a public school made a huge commitment and accepted Christ as his Savior...a decision that changed him from th inside out. Sitting on the back steps of the alternative school I worked at, I gave Chris my dad's coin he had given me when we pinned him Col (little did I know only 5-8 were made for him...oops:( More or less, I had clung to that coin exactly a year before when the man of my life decided to leave my life forever, and for me...that coin meant a lot...it was a constant reminder of the courage my father has and my heavenly Father...hope for a breath of fresh air and the energy to keep running this race. Hope that God has a greater plan than I could ever make with my over abundance planners and to-do lists...For Chris, a young man with a history of bad decisions, a family of violence and drugs...a reminder that Jesus brings hope to the hopeless, and a future with a purpose. Today...my photography mentor and dear friend, mandY, miscarried a child that had been her prayer for over a year. My heart weaps for my friend...and had I not found out as 9:30 when I got home tonight, I would have taken my car to Oklahoma when I got off work at 5 :*(

Seriously. If I didn' have a future neice due tomorrow...I've driven to Little Rock and back in 24 hours don't test me; it's a road trip long over-due and something I DON'T need directions for=)

mandY,
You and T are in my prayers tonight. Tonight, my dad muted the Olympics to share something with me, that I want to share with you. It was very touching to hear my dad share this part of my history:
In 1982.5 (yes, that's how my dad worded it) my parents had a miscarriage (pre-mandI days). It was hard for them both, but for my dad, as most men, he wanted to know why...and how...and how can he continue to support my mom in the midst of him needing a deep comfort and support as well. Keep in mind this is before you could "google" anything so my dad out searching for "how" and "why" meant a lot of time praying, searching throught the bible and other books. Searching meant reading books and going to bookstores!! At some point he found this letter that a woman wrote and had published in a magazine...to this day he still has the original page of that magazine but has typed the letter out to give to fellow friends and family that have experienced similar heartaches. mandY, this is for you. I love you, but God loves you more than I or anyone ever could. His love is blind to our flaws and in abundance in a way that we cannot understand. I hope you KNOW that as your husband holds you close tonight as you sleep. Know that God knows better for you than we can plan out on our own. Love you girl,
mandI

Dear Little Baby…I’ll never be able to hold you in my arms, but I will love you always

By Jennifer Sullivan



It’s been only three days since I lost you, and all I can do is think of you and cry. My grief at times seems unbearable. You meant so much to me—such lovely hopes and dreams.

You were truly a miracle to me. We had wanted a baby for so long. There had been seven years of doctors and tests. At times I was sure we were never going to have you. But when I finally got pregnant, I knew it right away—within two weeks—and I was right.

I was 36 years old, and you were my first pregnancy. You were the answer to so many prayers. I didn’t think anything could happen to you. I was so happy. I told everyone about you. People were so kind and loving—they seemed truly happy for us.

Nothing could have made your father and me happier. Every morning I woke up joyous with the thought of you and what our lives would be like together—the three of us. Life itself had new meaning. I’d never felt so close to God, and each day I would thank Him for you and pray that I would have a happy, healthy pregnancy and give birth to a healthy baby.

Carrying you was the happiest and proudest time of my life. I love your father more than anything in the world. And you made our love seem so complete. To know that he and I and God had created human life together made me happy every moment of every day.

But then I lost you….And when it happened, people felt our sadness—and even strangers shared our grief. A nurse at the hospital held me until your father could be with me so I wouldn’t be alone. A lady at church—the first time I went back to Mass—cried with me and told me of two babies she had lost years before. She told me how it still hurts her and how she knows I will never forget you. Friends sent us flowers and told us we were in their thoughts and prayers. Our priest comforted us, and we talked about how you did have a soul—you were real—you were and always will be my baby. And now you are with God in Heaven—and one day I will know you. You can never really be taken from me—you are part of me.

Now I look at life—and the time we have here on earth—differently. I feel more love and compassion and understanding for others. Every moment with your father is more precious. Life is more fragile and certainly more cherished.

I pray that we will have another baby—but I know it will never be the same as with you. I know I will never again be able to have exactly the same feelings as I have had with you.

I accept that God took you. I do not understand, but I accept God’s will and I know he has a reason for all that he does. I am not angry with God. I love Him and I know that He loves me, and you were a precious and beautiful gift from Him. I thank Him with all my heart for our brief time together.



Love,

Your Mother